I was sitting in my weekly twelve step meeting. I was to speak about the holidays.
I read page 420 out loud to the group: "Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations...."
I sighed deeply after my reading was over...
I want to be in this place. I want to have this level of acceptance. But I'm tired y'all.
It's been ten years of constant life adjustments and grief. The list is long.
There's no end in sight. Nor would I want there to be.
I experience a sense of loss each and every day and right now the scale is tipped too far one way.
I've been collecting people in my mind. People I know now. People I used to know. People I want to know. People who understand. People who left. People who show up. People I left.
I remember them all.
I need to stop collecting and start accepting.
In this ten year journey with my son Dermot I have worked tirelessly at making myself a better human. A kinder being. A fair parent. A good friend. A tolerable daughter. An accepting sister. A compassionate soul that runs toward pain, not away from it. I expect others to do the same, but that's not how it works. I know that in my head, but when I get to the low place where I start "collecting", my heart forgets that it doesn't work that way. People's lives go on....
The book keeps telling me that Acceptance is the key to my relationships. "I must keep my magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance."
Accept I must.