Sometimes I sit down at the computer to write, hoping to be profound, hoping to move my readers while at the same time expressing my feelings.
I just deleted three paragraphs of crap.
I started my day at church. We were late and our usual spot was taken. We sat somewhere new. I saw a different priest at the front of the room and worried that our priest, the guy I wish would give a homily to me everyday because they are THAT meaningful to me, was absent. Then our pew was too crowded and I practically had Ryan on my lap the whole time. He WAS there, I DID hear his homily. Something about saying goodbye, never seeing your loved ones again, but to look around for them in others...I didn't understand. You see most of my day was spent in self doubt, arguing with my nine year old son, to the point where he popped me in the face with his baseball mit. It's a long story, mostly about me being a control freak the whole day...
On edge all day long, I was longing for a time to be quiet, to be alone. A little secret I have, I don't want to spend Mother's Day with my kids. I want to be off somewhere else doing something else with someone else.
Motherhood is hard, it's exhausting. Motherhood makes me feel like a ridiculous person most of the time. As much as I love my boys, I miss my dignity and identity I had before motherhood sometimes. (If anyone has a secret on how to keep both, please let me know!)
I spent thirty minutes this morning insisting my son wear pants, not shorts to the baseball game. He screamed with all his might, but I won. In reality he would have been fine in shorts. But I needed to win that battle.
There are too many battles I cannot win. Can't stop the seizures, can't stop the wrinkles from forming on my face, can't stop the dog from peeing on the carpet, can't get my husband to wipe of the countertops, but I can make my nine year wear pants.
Perhaps next Mother's Day, I'll plan a getaway...
Life returns to normal tomorrow.