My life with the Sullivan boys

My mom requested I write about Ryan. I don't normally take "requests" but I thought about it. I don't write about Ryan because I don't ever worry about Ryan. Ryan gives me almost nothing but pure joy and gratitude. He has reached or exceeded every milestone. He walks, he talks, he runs, he smiles, he laughs, he kisses his brothers good night, he occasionally eats dirt, he eats his vegetables and sleeps through the night. I believe Ryan is a gift. We planned to have him, but that's all I had to do with it. He came out of me after I giggled (literally). I've been giggling ever since. Ryan makes me remember what normal is. Ryan makes me remember I don't have control over the outcome. He makes me remember that it's not all up to Owen to achieve everything, to stay healthy or be there for Dermot when they all grow up. Ryan loves his brothers and wants to be like them. I remember the first time I saw Ryan climb into Dermot's stander I cringed, but t...

So it's May 19th. I signed up for the Minneapolis Half Marathon on June 6th. I'm not running. I'm done shaming myself. But truth be told, life gets in the way. That's why none of my plans are ever concrete. I've driven myself crazy trying to control the events and circumstances in my life, anything to hold on to. It doesn't work. Someone gets sick, I don't sleep for a week. Someone else gets sick, I don't sleep. Try running after four hours of interrupted sleep. It's not fun. I have been downplaying the emotional toll of a few recent occurrences in my life. Dermot got a feeding tube, every night I hook Dermot up to a pump that feeds him in his sleep so he gets adequate nutrition throughout a 24 hour period. Dermot is having trouble clearing his secretions, so tomorrow another machine will be delivered to my house to assist him in clearing his secretions. Dermot was in jeopardy of losing physical therapy time at school, I met with the school staff t...

Here I am, days before I become a mother for the first time. Here's Owen, I'm terrified and have no idea what I'm doing! I'm better now. Owen is a great kid. I'd just had a miscarriage a week prior to this picture being taken. This next photo shows Dermot only two months away.... Here's Dermot. Beautiful, I'm excited about my new guy. I knew how to take care a of a baby now. I can sit back and enjoy him. Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. You sit down for dinner and life as you know it ends. The question of self-pity. Joan Didion Dermot's first seizure November 17, 2006 .