Life gets in the way

So it's May 19th. I signed up for the Minneapolis Half Marathon on June 6th.


I'm not running. I'm done shaming myself. But truth be told, life gets in the way. That's why none of my plans are ever concrete. I've driven myself crazy trying to control the events and circumstances in my life, anything to hold on to. It doesn't work.


Someone gets sick, I don't sleep for a week. Someone else gets sick, I don't sleep. Try running after four hours of interrupted sleep. It's not fun.


I have been downplaying the emotional toll of a few recent occurrences in my life.


Dermot got a feeding tube, every night I hook Dermot up to a pump that feeds him in his sleep so he gets adequate nutrition throughout a 24 hour period.


Dermot is having trouble clearing his secretions, so tomorrow another machine will be delivered to my house to assist him in clearing his secretions.


Dermot was in jeopardy of losing physical therapy time at school, I met with the school staff to resolve the issue.


Dermot needs additional physical therapy, I found yet another physical therapist to try. I make the appointment, hoping to God I like this one.


I lost it a little last night, I spilled a little water from my glass. It felt good. These things I deal with on a day to day basis are incredibly difficult. They are emotionally draining. No parent should have to make the choices I make. I need to remember that.


I wake up, I conquer the tasks of the day, I get an hour or two to myself after everyone is in bed and I walk throughout the day with my head up, eyes forward and I am always willing to help someone in need. If I lose the desire to help others I know that something is wrong. I know I've lost my focus. None of this is about me anymore. It's about being the best person I can be and play the best game I can with the cards I've been dealt.


So right now, a half marathon isn't a realistic goal for me. Signing up for it did get me moving again. I'm still running four days a week, just not 9 miles at a time. Although the jury is still out on wearing the bikini this summer...

Comments

Alysia said…
So grateful to read this - you have no idea. The first week of May I set a goal of running my first 5K in October. I think I have run a total of 10 times since then. As you said life gets in the way. I too am not running on 4 hours sleep (that's total - having been interrupted multiple times). My ability to run is not on my own timetable - I have to wait until my husband is around to stay with the three boys, my 4 yr old on the autism spectrum has to be in an ok mood for me to leave for 30 mins, or I wait until two are in school/camp and it's just the baby...it's not easy.
Thanks for reminding me not to beat myself up about it. It's just my life, and if I can run, I'll run. If I can't, it's because something else is more important at the time.
Alysia
http://trydefyinggravity.wordpress.com/
July 10, 2010 at 3:45 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Letter to Dermot

Image
"Letter to Dermot" Dermot, I’ve been trying to put off this letter for quite some time. I just gave birth to your little brother and have realized how heartbroken I am over you. I look at pictures of you and get a tinge of sadness where I should get joy. I see the things you cannot do and the things you won’t be able to do. I’m so sad about it. I feel responsible, so much more than anyone else knows. I look back on the day you had your first seizure and I’m so angry with myself that I didn’t know what was happening. I feel like the length of time was my fault and that it caused more damage to your brain than was necessary. I’m so sorry. I know that you deserve the best in everything for your life and my regrets run deep. God has a plan for our family, I know. All of the challenges that you go through help make us stronger, but I wish more than anything that I could take all the pain away, all of the drugs, all of the therapy. I sometimes imagine you as a normal little guy get...
Read more

Fourth time

Just as I crossed the last thing off my grocery list, I heard a muffled chime from my purse. I thought to myself, I wonder if its Dermot's school. Not really believing it was, but teacher Jan was on the other end of the line. "Hi Sue, Laurie has administered the Diastat for Dermot", she said with a tinge of sadness in her voice. "Okay, I'll be right there" I said. I looked down at my full cart of much needed groceries and pushed them to the register. One part of me wanted to continue and check out as if nothing was happening, the other, wiser part said "get the hell out of here". Another abadoned cart at the grocery store. This time I call Joe, "I'll meet you there" he says. Three stoplights later and a quick jaunt on the highway and I'm there. Wiped the tears away and ask the receptionist for admittance to the special education wing of the school. I walk briskly to Dermot's classroom. The other little boys are having circle...
Read more

Profoundly

I've written many essays in my head. There's the one about being embarrassed by Dermot throwing up in the hospital cafeteria, or the one about friends and how they've changed over the years, or the story about the man I met at the hospital with the nineteen year old son with Dermot-like disabilities or my favorite, the way I use chocolate chip cookies as therapy. I sit in waiting rooms and write in my head, by the time I get home the details are lost or the energy has left me. I sit awake in bed staring at the ceiling knowing what I want to write, then I get out of bed, start up the computer and my words have left my head. I've been struck by how profoundly sad I am. I am really sad. The challenges keep coming, changing. I've learned many coping mechanisms, I've found a higher power to run the show, I seek out help from support groups and therapists, I volunteer to help others. All of these things make me feel better, but to my bitter disappointment, they do...
Read more