Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Life gets in the way

So it's May 19th. I signed up for the Minneapolis Half Marathon on June 6th.

I'm not running. I'm done shaming myself. But truth be told, life gets in the way. That's why none of my plans are ever concrete. I've driven myself crazy trying to control the events and circumstances in my life, anything to hold on to. It doesn't work.

Someone gets sick, I don't sleep for a week. Someone else gets sick, I don't sleep. Try running after four hours of interrupted sleep. It's not fun.

I have been downplaying the emotional toll of a few recent occurrences in my life.

Dermot got a feeding tube, every night I hook Dermot up to a pump that feeds him in his sleep so he gets adequate nutrition throughout a 24 hour period.

Dermot is having trouble clearing his secretions, so tomorrow another machine will be delivered to my house to assist him in clearing his secretions.

Dermot was in jeopardy of losing physical therapy time at school, I met with the school staff to resolve the issue.

Dermot needs additional physical therapy, I found yet another physical therapist to try. I make the appointment, hoping to God I like this one.

I lost it a little last night, I spilled a little water from my glass. It felt good. These things I deal with on a day to day basis are incredibly difficult. They are emotionally draining. No parent should have to make the choices I make. I need to remember that.

I wake up, I conquer the tasks of the day, I get an hour or two to myself after everyone is in bed and I walk throughout the day with my head up, eyes forward and I am always willing to help someone in need. If I lose the desire to help others I know that something is wrong. I know I've lost my focus. None of this is about me anymore. It's about being the best person I can be and play the best game I can with the cards I've been dealt.

So right now, a half marathon isn't a realistic goal for me. Signing up for it did get me moving again. I'm still running four days a week, just not 9 miles at a time. Although the jury is still out on wearing the bikini this summer...

1 comment:

Alysia said...

So grateful to read this - you have no idea. The first week of May I set a goal of running my first 5K in October. I think I have run a total of 10 times since then. As you said life gets in the way. I too am not running on 4 hours sleep (that's total - having been interrupted multiple times). My ability to run is not on my own timetable - I have to wait until my husband is around to stay with the three boys, my 4 yr old on the autism spectrum has to be in an ok mood for me to leave for 30 mins, or I wait until two are in school/camp and it's just the's not easy.
Thanks for reminding me not to beat myself up about it. It's just my life, and if I can run, I'll run. If I can't, it's because something else is more important at the time.