Friday, September 11, 2015

Fra-gee-lay

It reads:

"Good and gracious God, you have chosen the little ones,
the world's poor and lowly, to become rich in faith
and heirs to your Kingdom.

Open our eyes to see your presence everywhere and in all people
Open our ears to hear the challenge of your Word.
Loose our tongues to speak words of encouragement and strength
to those whose hearts are fearful
and sing the mighty wonders of your love."

I've been carrying around the program from last Sunday's church service in my purse because of this prayer. I looked at it while emptying out my purse last night.

Here's the deal. This is the part that scares me the most. The most difficult part.
Creating the new normal. In my journey with Dermot, I can't count on one hand the times I've hand to adjust to the new normal.
Usually just when I get used to the new normal, it changes.

Second week of school in full swing.

Yoga classes attended, paddle board purchased, running partner found, the new normal was looking awesome, until Wednesday.

The phone call from the school while I was on my run. It wasn't the first time I've received a call from the school nurse while I was running, just the latest.

I ran as fast as I could to the school to solve the situation which I was convinced was "no big deal". I arrived, calmly asked about Dermot's activities that day and lifted the blanket from his leg.

A flush of white came over me, Many "oh my God's came out in rapid succession and a few "Oh fuck's" followed.
Dermot's right thigh had a large swell and an unnecessary bend in it.

Horrifying.

A call to 911 was made and my new normal was starting to form.

Another ambulance ride, another hospital, another doctor, another procedure.

Today I will learn to care for my son while his broken femur heals for the next couple of months.

I am grieving my free time lost, I am grieving my yoga classes gone, I am grieving my paddle board outings cancelled and I am grieving my new found freedom that I'd waited all summer to have.

I am sad.
I am angry.
I am fearful.
I am also filled with faith.
Filled with hope.

Fragilty

"One day some people came to the master and asked. 'How can you be happy in a world of such impermanence, where you cannot protect your loved ones from harm, illness and death?'
The master held up a glass and said, 'Someone gave me this glass, and I really like this glass.
It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. I touch it and it rings!
One day the wind may blow it off the shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table.
I know this glass in already broken, so I enjoy it incredibly.'

-Achaan Chah Subato

I will learn my new normal. and hope that it is only temporary.


No comments: