Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Words of wisdom

I haven't eaten a full meal since last Thursday. each day since it's gotten worse. Stomach cramps, like there's a guy inside with a torch, walking around my intestines lighting it up. The only thing that helps is to stop eating and lay still. Six days later, six pounds lost, I'm surviving on applesauce and Sprite. Today is a big day, I'm going to try to eat a banana, if that goes well I'll move on to some plain mashed potatoes. Ugh.

Doctor was puzzled, not the stomach flu or gallstones, prescribed some Zantac yesterday. Its helping a bit. Then prescribed the diet of rice, applesauce, mashed potatoes and toast. Awesome. the words stomach ulcer are in play now. WebMD confirms almost all symptoms, call into the doctor too.

I'm a week away from my 48th birthday and I probably have a stress induced stomach ulcer. it probably doesn't help that my diet is comprised of three cups of coffee a day, an afternoon diet coke, numerous handfuls of M&M's, daily popcorn while watching my midnight Netflix shows, six hours of sleep each night and 7 days a week of exercise.

I'm running away and its catching up with me. "Worrying is paying interest on a loan you don't have" I used that quote forever. This has been different, I haven't been talking about everything. I've decided I can wait and not visit my therapist right now "there's nothing she can do to help me" . So I internalize it. I exercise, I stay up too late, I online shop. "your body will always find a way to get the feeling out of you, whether you like it of not..."that's another quote I use frequently. Ugh.

Dermot's surgery is tomorrow morning. We've been waiting for an entire moth, A month to let the anxiety build up, grow in my belly. Manifest through bags of peanut Butter M&M's and Grande nonfat latte's...I can feel it boiling up as I write. Yuck.

I also need a crown on my molar, my step-dad just got a stent placed to cure a blockage, my mom is far away, I put my phone thru the laundry and my youngest is turning into a compulsive liar and is also racked with anxiety and there's a constant parade of nurses in and out of my house...Fuck. I wonder when I'll get few weeks of smooth, calm "normal"?

There you go, that's me in a nutshell. I think when I spit things out I feel better. "50% of the solution is telling someone else about it", that's another one of my words of wisdom.

Maybe I need to remember to have faith in myself. maybe I need to remember to have faith in general. I am where I'm supposed to be right now, "the answers will come if I am still enough to listen..." Last quote.

Thanks for reading. Please remember to think of Dermot tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. and send some good vibes while you're at it...


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