Note to my inner child.

 Suzy,

I’m looking at a photo of you when you were coloring. I wanted to tell you a few things. When you grow up you will become a beautiful, strong, smart, funny human. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of pain in your life. I know right now mom just left. I think you know it wasn’t your fault, but I wanted to tell you again. Mom had her own demons to deal with and didn’t have the right tools to figure them out without hurting others. She loves you. I hesitate to say that because it’s still hard to believe that she would leave such a kind, creative little girl such as yourself. If I was your mom I would have squeezed you to pieces every day and been wildly proud of you. You have always had a level of compassion in you that came naturally. Your heart is big. I think that’s why it hurts so much when people let you down.

You didn’t deserve to be forgotten or disregarded. Your light keeps getting dimmer because no one was there to be on your side and make you a priority. It happens. It’s no one’s fault really. You’ll figure out as you become a mom that your dad was trying his best to keep us all going, but it’s a really hard job to do all alone.

I keep this picture of you in my office to remind me that you are still quite alive inside me. You still need attention and understanding. Most of all you need to heal. I was talking today about how different we always felt. Divorced parents, not enough money, no mom in the house, that shit is really hard. It’s the type of stuff that causes you to make dumb decisions in life. Decisions that came due to lack of guidance and attention. You need to remember the things that happened as you grew up are all things that make you who you are today. If I could take all the pain away when you were little I would. But just know, I got you now and always. I will protect you and reassure you that we are safe, we are enough, and we matter to many people.

You will go out looking for things to take away the pain, the feelings of being different and not enough will get to be too much for a while and you will find a group of other wounded souls. They understand you; they are lost too. Hold on tight during this period because you will put yourself in so many dangerous situations that you never imagined yourself doing. You will survive, but it’s going to hurt a lot.

Your hands are so small. You’re maybe 5 or six in this photo? I weep for you. I tell your spirit that I love you more than anything else in the world. You are such a beautiful soul. You were perfect. The world around you wasn’t.

As an adult, I still feel like there’s something missing sometimes. I am still in pain, but it’s different now. Our life is very grown up and serious. I try my best to keep you alive and entertain your spirit by being brave, trying new things, and forgiving myself for my mistakes. I think of you most when I’m riding my bike, I feel just like you when I’m riding my bike. I often sing like you did too. It makes me really happy. I still love to color, although I don’t do it as often. I get crazy and weird with my kids too, I hope they like that. I loved seeing my dad smile and joke around. I felt safer when he was happy. But I think you had to pay too much attention to what others were doing and how they were feeling. You just never knew what was going to happen or who you could trust. Your brother loves you too, but he’s just as lost as you, so know that when you both grow up, you become amazing individuals. Tom is strong, and smart and creates a beautiful family, just like you did. You are friends now, he loves you.

I want you to feel normal and the same as everyone else, but you are not. You have a future ahead of you that will test your character over and over again. You will step up every time. You will learn something about yourself through your struggles and you will be able to help other people not feel so alone and different.

I will walk through the rest of this with you always by my side, holding your adorable little hand. I will never let you go.