Friday, November 28, 2008

Control

Merriam-Webster's definition of control is as follows:

2 a: to exercise restraining or directing influence over : regulate b: to have power over : rule c: to reduce the incidence or severity of especially to innocuous levels

It's funny how obsessed the world is with the illusion of control. It's funny how the quest for control can make a person insane. It's also funny how out of control we really are. I can plan for things to happen. I can make sure I have the right supplies for any situation, I can tell everyone in my life what to do, when to do it and why to do it, but inevitably they will do it the way they want to do it.

Tell a four-year old how to brush his teeth and he will insist on using a different toothbrush, putting the toothpaste on himself and most likely he will go to a different bathroom to get away from me. It's maddening!

Prepare yourself for the daily occurrences in life and unexpected things will always happen.

As I hosted Thanksgiving dinner this year I was very conscious of every one's need for a taste of control, I was okay with it. The saying "too many cooks in the kitchen", I'm not so sure. I made the turkey and stuffing, others brought a dish or two of their liking and poof!, a beautiful feast was created by everyone in attendance. I am thankful for my ability to give up control of everything.

I've been letting go of my desperate need to control my life. I realize that it's a symptom of a greater need, to feel safe and sane. Fear does funny things to a person's character, but that's an entirely different topic.

Dermot has been waking up in the wee hours of the morning crying like crazy. It's the same time every night. We pick him up, bring him downstairs, wrap him in his favorite soft blanket and hold him for as long as it takes for him to fall asleep again. We don't know why he does this, all I know if that if I hold him tight he'll stop crying. He's changing again, it scares me. My challenge is to not have my fear turn me into a control freak again.

I have a prayer that a good friend shared with me.
I read it everyday at least once:

GOOD MORNING,
THIS IS GOD.
I WILL BE HANDLING ALL
YOUR PROBLEMS TODAY.
I WILL NOT NEED
YOUR HELP SO
HAVE A GOOD DAY.

2 comments:

Schele Smith said...

Sue-

I finally had a chance to sit down and read your blog in its entirety. I'm sitting in the Caribou at 49th and France with tears running down my cheeks. You write beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings like this. My heart is breaking with everything you bear.

Congrats on getting help from Rachel. I'm looking forward to being home with the kids more myself. Let's figure out how Owen can come play with us on a regular basis. He's a joy to have.

God bless,
Schele Smith

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue,

What a great prayer to have on hand all of the time! I too struggle with wanting control; thanks for sharing! See you tomorrow. Hugs to all the boys!

Kate