Friday, September 30, 2011

Two months past.

This is the night when I stay up too late to tell you why I haven't written.

I wanted you to change. I wanted you to be better. Different. I wanted you to care about me. I wanted you to think of others. I wanted you to know my pain. I wanted you on my side. I needed you on my side. I wanted you to hold me up and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted you to protect me from harm. I wanted you to be stronger. I wanted you to be satisfied. I wanted you to have integrity. I wanted you to stay. I wanted you to be loved by others. I wanted you to stop talking about yourself for one minute. I wanted you to admire me. I wanted you to be my friend. I wanted you to love my kids. I wanted you to keep your promise. I wanted more from you than you could ever give.

I created you in my mind, when we were young and she left. It was supposed to be me and you fighting off the whole world together. Me and you walking home fron junior high in the snow and falling in the ditch. You helped me out, we made it home. You broke the window each time we were locked out, we got inside.

Then you left, over and over. Never home. Always in trouble. Always lost. I wanted you to know how smart you were. I wanted you to know how loved you were, but you left again and again. Heartbroken I slowly gave up. You come back here and there, then you leave again. I never know who you'll be when you return.

I want you in my life, but maybe I just want the idea of you.

I want you to know my kids. I want you to want to know my kids. I want you to teach them how to waterski. I want you to teach them about computers and video games. I want you to bring them to Disney Land. I want you be here when you are here.

I want to talk again. I want to be kind to you. I want to accept you as you are. I'm afraid. It's up to me I know, but it's easier when it's not. It's easier to blame everything on you. It's easier to judge you and cut you off so I won't get hurt again. It's funny, I'm mad at you, but I feel the pain. I know what I'm doing. I know I shouldn't have such expectations for you. I pray everyday for the expectations to subside so that I can accept you as you are. I have no business asking all these things from you.

But I'm asking...

1 comment:

Fawn said...

Every time you write, I want to reach through the screen and hug you.