My beautiful boys


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Note to my inner child.

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 Suzy, I’m looking at a photo of you when you were coloring. I wanted to tell you a few things. When you grow up you will become a beautiful, strong, smart, funny human. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of pain in your life. I know right now mom just left. I think you know it wasn’t your fault, but I wanted to tell you again. Mom had her own demons to deal with and didn’t have the right tools to figure them out without hurting others. She loves you. I hesitate to say that because it’s still hard to believe that she would leave such a kind, creative little girl such as yourself. If I was your mom I would have squeezed you to pieces every day and been wildly proud of you. You have always had a level of compassion in you that came naturally. Your heart is big. I think that’s why it hurts so much when people let you down. You didn’t deserve to be forgotten or disregarded. Your light keeps getting dimmer because no one was there to be on your side and make you a priority. It happens.
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Fourth time

Just as I crossed the last thing off my grocery list, I heard a muffled chime from my purse. I thought to myself, I wonder if its Dermot's school. Not really believing it was, but teacher Jan was on the other end of the line. "Hi Sue, Laurie has administered the Diastat for Dermot", she said with a tinge of sadness in her voice. "Okay, I'll be right there" I said. I looked down at my full cart of much needed groceries and pushed them to the register. One part of me wanted to continue and check out as if nothing was happening, the other, wiser part said "get the hell out of here". Another abadoned cart at the grocery store. This time I call Joe, "I'll meet you there" he says. Three stoplights later and a quick jaunt on the highway and I'm there. Wiped the tears away and ask the receptionist for admittance to the special education wing of the school. I walk briskly to Dermot's classroom. The other little boys are having circle
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What happened to you?

What happened to me. parents divorce latch key kid alcoholic heartbreak dog runs away anxiety attacks depression what happened to you? death in the family get sober special needs child stay sober miscarriage special needs child dog dies kids are born latch key kid alcoholic special needs child anxiety what happened to you? fight with the school fight with the doctors fight to keep going depression got up stayed up can't breathe stay sober what happened to you? helped someone understood someone blamed someone forgave someone loved someone try to keep going got out of bed kept moving special needs child kept breathing kept loving helped someone enjoyed myself felt joy felt sadness felt heartbreak, in my gut discovered gratitude helped someone else helped myself discovered compassion special needs child stopped breathing remembered how to breathe taught someone else how to breathe.
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