Friday, March 6, 2009

Letter to Dermot

"Letter to Dermot"


I’ve been trying to put off this letter for quite some time. I just gave birth to your little brother and have realized how heartbroken I am over you. I look at pictures of you and get a tinge of sadness where I should get joy. I see the things you cannot do and the things you won’t be able to do. I’m so sad about it. I feel responsible, so much more than anyone else knows. I look back on the day you had your first seizure and I’m so angry with myself that I didn’t know what was happening. I feel like the length of time was my fault and that it caused more damage to your brain than was necessary. I’m so sorry. I know that you deserve the best in everything for your life and my regrets run deep.

God has a plan for our family, I know. All of the challenges that you go through help make us stronger, but I wish more than anything that I could take all the pain away, all of the drugs, all of the therapy. I sometimes imagine you as a normal little guy getting into trouble and running around. It hurts. You are so beautiful and special in ways I would have never imagined. I wonder if I will ever be able to overcome the heartbreak. I don’t know. I hope so. I wish sometimes I could just hold you forever and make everything ok, I know that won’t happen. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my feelings about you, I feel distant and frustrated. Please know that those feelings are all about me. I don’t want them to affect the way I feel about you. I want the best for you and I will give you the best I can as your mother. I hope that you can grow with me while we figure out what your life is going to be like. I want to be your advocate, although I’m afraid sometimes that I’m going to make the wrong decisions regarding your well-being.

I promise to follow my instincts and be true to you. I promise to protect you at all costs and be there for you always.

I'm glad to know that we are surrounding you with people who love you and will take care of you. Your brothers will be your friends always and will be there for you when I cannot. I will teach them how to love and care for you with great compassion and understanding, or maybe I should say, you will teach them, as you are teaching me and your dad.

I resist new things for you sometimes because I don’t want to see you in pain. I get angry when you are sick because you have been through far too much in your life than someone should have to go through in their entire life. I was angry at God for a really long time about what happened to you. I know now that that wasn’t helping anyone. I need to see the real picture. I need to let God help us, help me. I can no longer live with the illusion that I can control the outcome of your life. I can love you with everything I am, I can care for you and try to make the best decisions for you that I can, and I can be with you every step of the way.

I keep thinking that if I get this thing or that thing for your life will be better, who knows. I’m working really hard to change my image of what my life should be like and what my kids and family should be like. My expectations should stretch and grow with every experience and never get stuck with one idea or one picture in my head.

I love you my sweet Dermot...