Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Feel Better

"Don't try and fight it, it will only get worse" she said. "Just let it happen and you will feel better." 

Her advice was taken, and used at least seven times in the last ten days.

Anxiety attacks. At 43 years old I haven't experienced one, until 10 days ago. I lay down in my bed, my husband already asleep for over two hours was resting comfortably, until my head hit the pillow.

I started hyperventilating. I couldn't stop my breath or control its tempo. My husband woke and tried to wake me from my nightmare. "I'm awake" I wheezed from my rapid breathing. I stopped with a sudden sigh and three or four uncontrollable deep breaths, and then the tears started to flow. No sobbing, just tears racing down my temples and thru the crevices of my earlobes. I fell asleep surrounded by my husband, scared to death of what had just happened and hoping to God it wouldn't happen again.

It has happened again, six more times. 

Tonight in fact.

The cat peed on my couch (I've been neglecting her litter box)
The contractors left the house with a coat of dust on everything (second day of demo for the building of Dermot's new "care suite")
Half the lights in the main level aren't functioning (same contractors)
The wireless signal went down (same contractors)
Dermot was exhibiting strange behavior that may or may not have been a seizure so we gave him rectal Valium, just in case.
and the PTO event I've been working on is only 5 days away.

I excused myself, went and sat on my bed and did my hyperventilating, deep sighs and tears. Then I felt a bit more grounded. 

I apologized to my husband for acting like a freak show. I apologized to my six year old for sharing so many swear words that are not okay for him to hear or say. I thanked my ten year old for being such a big help to me and always supplying me with a hug.

Then, I returned to the status quo.

I keep waiting for things to get easier so I'll feel better. But things won’t get easier, just more difficult. 

The choices I'm forced to make are monumental. I can't breathe sometimes. So many decisions about Dermot and his quality of life. Our quality of life.

G-J Tube vs. G-tube
TLSO Brace vs. spinal fusion surgery
High-Flow Oxygen vs. blow by O2
Seizures vs. five seizure meds at once
And the dreaded DNR order (not in the immediate future) that the social worker keeps mentioning quietly...

So at this point, in all of this, it’s all about letting it happen. Because it will happen.

And I will feel better.