Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Current life issues

I just "googled" depression. Not sure why, I know what it is. I'm pretty sure I'm in a chronic state right now. Lack of motivation, aching muscles, sleep issues and a feeling of impending dread.

Or perhaps it because of my current life issues:

  • My beloved old beagle blind, deaf and peeing everywhere. She's seems to be the last remaining part of a life before special needs. a life that was easier. where choosing my outfit was a major decision and the make and model of my car defined me. I'm aware that her time here is limited. and I mourn her and the life that she represents every time I clean up a puddle or wipe the crust off her chin.

  • Dermot's nurses have been a godsend and a cause for worry. We have someone in our house each morning at 7 am to wake Dermot up, dress and prepare him for school while I sleep in and drink my first cup of coffee, away in the dining room. A physical relief, but emotionally a step back from his day to day care. We have nurses in our house every day. Every day....the enormity of that statement sets in, every time I allow them to enter the house, every time they brush his teeth and I don't. Every time I place the oximeter on his finger each night.

  • My mother just left for the season to Arizona. After her stroke I had to change my expectations of our relationship. No longer is she a source of support and stability, no longer is she the matriarch of the family. I have had to continually remind her of how to use her phone, listen to her complaints of isolation and dependence on others. I watch parts of my mother fade away and morph into a new version of herself. Confidence gone, fear flourishing in her thoughts and loneliness following her every move. I am in charge now.

  • Politics (no need to say anything about this topic, right?)

  • This may sound petty, but I also miss my hair terribly. Last spring I found it necessary to rid myself of my mane. I thought it would be liberating, a symbol of rebirth. But instead, I feel naked and exposed. I am not this person, I know I am not my hair, but I am not this hair. I wait, patiently, excruciately, as it grows again. My hope is, as it grows, I will grow back into myself.

  • Last year I volunteered for everything, this year not so much. I'm looking for purpose and connection without overextending my time. I actually entertained the idea of going back to work, until the first week of school when Dermot was admitted to the hospital for a respiratory infection. Then I realized its not yet feasible.

  • We have an amazing up north getaway place that we just can't seem to get away to. The stress of leaving town with Dermot and all of his equipment seems too much right now. So it stays empty, waiting for family and friends to fill it with joy and activity.

  • My oldest is flourishing. An A student, a devout christian, a Sunday school teacher, cross country runner, hockey player and the kindest kid you'll ever meet. He's growing into a person I couldn't have dreamed he'd be. 

  • My youngest is still a challenge for me. His personality and issues are so incredibly typical that I find it difficult to take seriously. My perspective is so skewed towards the worst, that a call from the principal doesn't phase me, or a barky cough doesn't worry me.  

So I know these life issues are only temporary. Hair grows back, old dogs die, most children grow up leave the nest. I'll survive this period. it's okay to be sad, to feel the feels. I think that's why I love the seasons so much. they symbolize life, death, growth and rebirth. It feels better when I write about them. Perhaps next I'll write about gratitude, probably not though, me and gratitude aren't speaking right now...

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